One Day

 I walk to my bathroom, shut off the lights and perch my head in the perfect position to catch a glimpse of the soccer field lights across the street. Familiarity. Comfort. Security.

Whenever I feel the slightest bit nervous or scared with the thoughts unravelling in my head, I walk to my bathroom window and search for the glowing orange light through the trees. I don’t know when I started doing this but everytime I catch its glimmer, like when you’re 7 years old and you catch a butterfly in your hands, I feel euphoric. It’s as if I want to keep the feeling forever and never let it go.

In the past year and however many months our world has been ragging in “unforeseen times”, I along with many other people have felt stuck and alone in their homes. Considering the circumstances, I’m sure many people would look at me and perceive that I haven’t lost a lot since March 13^th 2020, but those people would be wrong. Did I struggle through all the same things that most did, no, but I still struggled.

I graduated from University in the fall of 2020, and shortly after was able to secure myself a job in the field in which I studied, but that’s been my life on the outside. On the inside, I’ve had crippling anxiety realizing that my life has slowing turned into a real-life version of the movie Groundhog Day. I’ve stressed about being the only caretaker for my parents when they get older. I’ve convinced myself that I’ll never be a good partner because I’m too selfish. And I’ve embraced the idea that friends are temporary, but family is forever.

Seeing that bright unmistakable light through my window, I tell myself “See!? No matter how shitty your life feels sometimes within these four walls, there’s other people out there”. Is it cheesy, yes, obviously, but when you have no one to turn to without the dread of putting a weigh on their shoulders of your problems, you have to find your own solutions. I see this light as my comfort, my chew toy, my lucky pencil, my favourite pair of socks. I tell myself that one day, I’ll be the person at that soccer field instead of here, in my bathroom, searching for the answers. I’ll break out of this place and live within the world I dreamed for myself. One Day.