Nobody is Listening

It's been a year, but you already know that; we all know it. 

I just finished watching the HBO doc "When Sports Stood Still". If you like watching sports, and/or enjoy documentary style media, I'd highly recommend as it gives a pretty good glimpse into how this past year has affected athletes. But that isn't what I really wanted to talk about. So I watched the hour and thirty minute long movie, then opened YouTube to see if there was anything interesting. I landed on a video called "I got vaccinated" from the Youtuber Chris Klemens. A day ago, I saw on his Instagram that he had been vaccinated, and at that time, seeing that post made me angry for a multitude of reasons. So seeing this video come up, for a second I hesitated to click it because I'd healed my anger from seeing his post the day prior. I wasn't going to put myself through that again. Nonetheless, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I wasn't going to feel defeat from this innocent 5min long video, I thought to myself. I didn't follow my gut.

Not even two minutes into the video as Chris is going on about "being adamant that he would not cut people in line to get vaccinated himself", my anxiety attack took over. Reading comments like: "Chris you're so deserving!" and "omg I'm getting my vaccine on Tuesday!" pushed me over the edge.

My 85 year old grandmother who lives alone in her house is not even physically able to go to a vaccine clinic. She doesn't have a car, doesn't understand the internet, and can barely go to grocery store by her own will. Gouvernments are flip-flopping on what vaccine are safe and which are being restricted, making her more weary of getting one at all. It's a damn mess. So while I see the vaccine being rolled out to people 80 and over then 70 and over, and soon 60 and over, my 85 year old grandmother is sitting in limbo. Meanwhile, healthy 20 and 30 year olds living in California are getting their vaccines because the US gouvernment has too many doses. This the same gouvernment who killed hundreds of thousands of people because they were selfish. And here they are again, a surplus of vaccines, being selfish, and giving them to people who aren't a high priority, while the more vulnerable, in the world, continue to suffer. I'm sickened by it. There's obviously alot more to any story, I'm just straight shooting.

Meanwhile, I'm also dealing with my own internal battles. Friends I've had for YEARS who are living their lives recklessly, being selfish in front of my own eyes. I still fear for mine, and my parents' safety on a daily basis, meanwhile they are driving to their friends house for a cup of coffee, then going to their boyfriends' house and when the day comes to an end they head home to their siblings/parents who seemingly are acting just as recklessly. Then going to visit their grandparents. I can't do it anymore. All I want is to hug my grandmother. I cry about it at night, praying that my 30-minute interaction with her outside her house on a cold December afternoon for a Christmas chat, won't be the last time I saw her. I can't keep giving these "friends" the benefit of the doubt because there isn't a doubt. Lives are being lost as I transcribe my anger into words. Lives are being lost in our own communities. Doesn't that mean anything to them? Apparently not. Their actions are directly putting my mother's life in danger, and my grandmother's, but they don't seem to care. In fact, they don't care. It's been a year, and their lives are intact and that's all that matters apparently. 

I knew we lived in an ego-centric society, but I still had doubts. There's no way people are STILL selfish after seeing what we've seen this last year!

I should've followed my instinct, my gut. 

If you're reading this, and you think you are part of the problem, than you probably are. If you're reading this and have been nodding your head with every word I've written, then I see you. You are an ally, and I encourage you to reach out, but don't try to make an ally out of yourself to boost your ego. I know who my allies are, because they've raised their voices for the past year and made it known. They haven't shied away from having tough conversations, and I will never forget what they have sacrificed and chanted to help others. If anything, this past year has taught me EXACTLY who is living their lives for the betterment of their neighbours. 

Social injustices, racial inequalities, gender biases, a global pandemic. We've had to fight more battles than we wanted to. Although I am still not healed from them, and in many ways I am still angry and may always be angry for the things I have witnessed, I can only control my life and how I choose to move forward. So I choose to support my allies, and lift them up because we are the change that I hope to see in this world. 

Stay safe, xo

-Marie