Talk isn't cheap to me

 Growing up is shitty. Tough decisions have to be made, and yet you realize you really have no control over what your future holds.

No matter how much you wish people would have an impact on your life, they probably won't. I have a decent number of friends, but I still feel like I don't have somebody in my life that will be there for me "no matter what". I don't feel like I fully trust anybody. And if you can't fully trust people, does that say more about you, or about the people around you? I don't know the answer to that question and that's the focus on my recent, as some would call it, mental breakdowns. 

I hate the fact that I'm just now realizing that I'm alone in this world. I am the only one playing the starring role in my life, everyone else has a supporting role, meanwhile I am a supporting character in other people's lives. Nobody is there with me. With that said, I often feel like everyone else's movie would go on fine without me, so what does that mean to the role I play in their lives... it's pretty meaningless isn't it?!

I wouldn't consider this a cry for help, but if you've read up to this point, you're obviously a character in my movie who has some stake in the story. You care enough to read this, so I ask you: when was the last time we had a real conversation about life, because if you know me, you'd know I could spend hours dissecting "signs" and "meanings" to every little event in our lives. 

If we were on a game show and the million dollar question was "what is Marie most insecure about?" would you be confident to get the question right. If you said no, than what are you going to do about it?

Someone tell me why I have "friends" who never respond to my messages, people I thought I was really close too, and then... silence. nothing. Tell me why I constantly doubt the strength of my relationships with EVERYONE... I can tell you why. Because for some reason people always leave, and I keep getting hurt time and time again. 

I'm over having friendships over DM. Meaningless relationships I invest time and inside jokes with, but never being able to go deep into the person's soul, I don't want them anymore. It's like a drug to me, with instant satisfaction and endorphins, and a sudden crash. If I don't know what your favourite colour is or I don't know if you even have a job, or what you do for a job, but we DM back and forth about dumb shit every now and then, it's not worth it.

Although I want to find my people, it's hard to do that with a baggage of people who don't care about me enough to want to REALLY get to know me. So if I "ghost" you, it's not because I hate you, it's because I'm taking care of myself. And if I do open up to you, just know that I'm putting everything on the line to get hurt again, because I so desperately want the next person I trust, to finally be the one not to hurt me.

Finally, if you've really read this far, just know that I don't know who you are, but you obviously care to read what I have to say. And I don't know who you are because no one ever sends ME the: "how are you" text or call. I don't know who cares, so let a girl know that you're here for me... I hope you understand why that would mean so much to me, and if you still don't, let me know and I'd love to talk about with you, any day, any time.

-Marie