How Did You Sweep Me Off My Feet?
Songs tell alot of stories; the best ones are the ones which different people hear different messages. Universal.
What inspires this writing today is exactly that. I herd this song a week or so ago, and at first I herd the lyrics and took them as is. It's about a girl being disappointing by the man she was with, and how he started to treat her differently, and became someone she couldn't recognize. Over and over I would listen to this song and hear the pain in her voice, and imagining the hurt she went through.
But today that changed; I herd myself in the song. This song spoke to me, not because I could relate the pain a boy caused me recently, it was quite the opposite actually. The song, her voice, it sounded like I was talking to the version of myself I became recently. It's as though the protagonist was my current self, and the antagonist was my recent past self.
I've gone through a lot in the last 6-9 months. I attributed it the choices I was making to my becoming more mature and becoming an adult, but I realize now that it was much less superficial than that.
There's this balance between growth, and your life naturally taking turns in directions unpredictable, with decisions made in the heat of the moment that you end up regretting. I started to become a different person. I started to become the person I wanted to be and the person I am. Insecurities turned me into someone I couldn't recognize anymore.
To some extent I am ashamed of her, of who I used to be. To some extent, I know my true self has a little bit of her in me, and always will, but I don't want to become her completely. I dove from one extreme personality to another.
Yesterday I was her, but today I am, me. I'm still changed, but in a way that I am proud to be.
During these troubling last few months, I saw myself as the victim when things went wrong. The "walk of shame" or getting ghosted the next day with a "good morning" text, I thought I was in the right and the other person was at fault. I thought, "I guess it just wasn't meant to be", and "maybe next time", or "one day he'll come crawling back, I know it", but no matter the outcome it never would have worked out because I wasn't who I was "playing" myself to be.
It should've never been their fault for not fitting into my life, because that "life" wasn't even reality!
I went along this nearly year-long charade, and I even convinced myself that I wasn't the problem, he was. To some extent, I take full responsibility.
I blame myself for all the hurt I put myself through. I became a different person right before my own eyes and I convinced them I was somebody else. But when I couldn't keep up the act, everyone got hurt. Yet I convinced myself that the hurt felt like heaven; "maybe this is what was meant to be", "by telling him no maybe he'll see my true value". Trust me, there no worst feeling than being disappointed with yourself.
Behind all those drinks and the music filling my ears, I couldn't see how far I'd fallen. I guess I just wanted to believe that this was the only way to achieve the things I wanted.
I never understood why my experiences always left me feeling empty. Whether it were with someone I'd met that night at a club, or with someone I'd spend hours talking to about life in a food court, there was always something missing.
This quarantine has obviously given me alot more time to think, than I would have had if I weren't cooped up in my room all day with no one to talk to (or see). To some extent I am grateful for this time, because who knows how many more sleepless nights with tears on my pillow and broken relationships I may have put myself through.
My insecurities got the best of me and turned me into someone I no longer recognized. I gave love with the worst intentions and never stopped to question why it never worked out. I blame them because it's easier to blame someone else than yourself.
I am not a victim in this story. I am the antagonist and I brought the pain of the last 9 months onto myself, but only because I didn't know any better, so I guess in a way, this is growth.
I don't want to be the girl I've been for the last 6 months, but I also don't want to go back to the girl I was 12 months ago. I have changed, and there's no going back from that. I've seen the world, and it's people, in a way I can no longer forget so I must take it with me everyday.
Sure this experience has made me distant from certain people in my life, but people grow apart and that's normal, I don't blame myself that. Consequently, I've gotten closer to other people in my life for which I am grateful for.
To my old self, and per the lyrics of the song that helped me realize all that I've talked about, I want to say this:
I don't hate you. I just hate the hurt that put me through. And I blame myself for letting you.
-Marie
What inspires this writing today is exactly that. I herd this song a week or so ago, and at first I herd the lyrics and took them as is. It's about a girl being disappointing by the man she was with, and how he started to treat her differently, and became someone she couldn't recognize. Over and over I would listen to this song and hear the pain in her voice, and imagining the hurt she went through.
But today that changed; I herd myself in the song. This song spoke to me, not because I could relate the pain a boy caused me recently, it was quite the opposite actually. The song, her voice, it sounded like I was talking to the version of myself I became recently. It's as though the protagonist was my current self, and the antagonist was my recent past self.
I've gone through a lot in the last 6-9 months. I attributed it the choices I was making to my becoming more mature and becoming an adult, but I realize now that it was much less superficial than that.
There's this balance between growth, and your life naturally taking turns in directions unpredictable, with decisions made in the heat of the moment that you end up regretting. I started to become a different person. I started to become the person I wanted to be and the person I am. Insecurities turned me into someone I couldn't recognize anymore.
To some extent I am ashamed of her, of who I used to be. To some extent, I know my true self has a little bit of her in me, and always will, but I don't want to become her completely. I dove from one extreme personality to another.
Yesterday I was her, but today I am, me. I'm still changed, but in a way that I am proud to be.
During these troubling last few months, I saw myself as the victim when things went wrong. The "walk of shame" or getting ghosted the next day with a "good morning" text, I thought I was in the right and the other person was at fault. I thought, "I guess it just wasn't meant to be", and "maybe next time", or "one day he'll come crawling back, I know it", but no matter the outcome it never would have worked out because I wasn't who I was "playing" myself to be.
It should've never been their fault for not fitting into my life, because that "life" wasn't even reality!
I went along this nearly year-long charade, and I even convinced myself that I wasn't the problem, he was. To some extent, I take full responsibility.
I blame myself for all the hurt I put myself through. I became a different person right before my own eyes and I convinced them I was somebody else. But when I couldn't keep up the act, everyone got hurt. Yet I convinced myself that the hurt felt like heaven; "maybe this is what was meant to be", "by telling him no maybe he'll see my true value". Trust me, there no worst feeling than being disappointed with yourself.
Behind all those drinks and the music filling my ears, I couldn't see how far I'd fallen. I guess I just wanted to believe that this was the only way to achieve the things I wanted.
I never understood why my experiences always left me feeling empty. Whether it were with someone I'd met that night at a club, or with someone I'd spend hours talking to about life in a food court, there was always something missing.
This quarantine has obviously given me alot more time to think, than I would have had if I weren't cooped up in my room all day with no one to talk to (or see). To some extent I am grateful for this time, because who knows how many more sleepless nights with tears on my pillow and broken relationships I may have put myself through.
My insecurities got the best of me and turned me into someone I no longer recognized. I gave love with the worst intentions and never stopped to question why it never worked out. I blame them because it's easier to blame someone else than yourself.
I am not a victim in this story. I am the antagonist and I brought the pain of the last 9 months onto myself, but only because I didn't know any better, so I guess in a way, this is growth.
I don't want to be the girl I've been for the last 6 months, but I also don't want to go back to the girl I was 12 months ago. I have changed, and there's no going back from that. I've seen the world, and it's people, in a way I can no longer forget so I must take it with me everyday.
Sure this experience has made me distant from certain people in my life, but people grow apart and that's normal, I don't blame myself that. Consequently, I've gotten closer to other people in my life for which I am grateful for.
To my old self, and per the lyrics of the song that helped me realize all that I've talked about, I want to say this:
I don't hate you. I just hate the hurt that put me through. And I blame myself for letting you.
-Marie
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