Cut You Off
Today is day 5 of social distancing, and I haven't felt this way in a while.
I'm fighting through the lowest of lows in my life right now. I'm not anxious about the virus and I'm not panicking about the state of our society right now (though it is somewhat in shambles).
I've taken this quarantine as an experiment, and the results are exactly as heartbreaking as I'd expected.
I pondered many times in the last couple years, "After graduation, who will care to check up on me?"
For the last two weeks I've been pretty sick, and wasn't often at school. During that time at home, the people who reached out were counted and noted. Over the course of that week, the "outbreak" (lets say) reached the levels of quarantine which I've been in for the last 5 days. Having not seen many people in well over a week, again I counted and noted the people who reached out. That list was shockingly smaller than I'd expected...
Then again it wasn't shocking at all.
Internal Dialogue
With this whole quarantine thing I've been talking to my parents alot more about what I've been going through. And when I told my dad that I was surprised at the lack of communication I've had with friends not reaching out to check up on me while I've been the sickest I've been in my entire life, he said:
"Why are you shocked? How is this any different than normal? They never message you, they never reach out on a regular day. If they don't care about you on a regular day, why would that change"
Naively, I've continued to hold the benefit of the doubt for these people, even writing this now I'm thinking to myself "Well maybe they're just busy", but at the same time I see them socializing with other people.
I'm never someone's first thought.
It's hard to let go of people who I invested so much time into building a relationship witb. At the end of the day, it's my life, and I can't hold onto people who, maybe don't necessarily drag me down, but who don't lift me up.
It's a harsh reality to find out people you've cared about don't reciprocate. I think because this situation wasn't sparked by an argument or falling-out, it's harder to let go.
With the way everything is panning out, I also realized that alot of the people I spent the last 4 years of University around, I may never see again. To which my dad again said:
"But you'll see them at their graduation!" (I'm graduating a semester later than my classmates to complete my credits)
As soon as he said that, my mind immediately thought "but they won't invite me to their graduation. They never think of me. They didn't think of me earlier in the semester for a previous graduation party". The fact that that's the first thing I think to myself, about my "friends" is not a sign of a good friendship. And it's time.
It's unfortunate that this situation that we're living in, is what it took for me to finally realize that these people no longer deserve a space in my life, let alone my heart. What's really sad is that they won't even realize I've disconnected myself from them, because none of them are calling or texting.
I was a friend out of convenience for them, but I won't be used anymore.
I'm in this world alone. My family are the only ones I can count on, and especially during this time to self-isolation, they have been the ones who've undoubtedly cared most about my well-being.
It's true what they say, "friendships come and go, but family is forever", I'm just sad and disappointed that that's become my life's motto at the age of 22.
Just so I'm clear, I'm not here trying to play the victim. I am sure that everyone has their own life to live, and not everyone is meant to be a beck and call everyday. I know that's not realistic. That's not what I'm saying here. I'm just disappointed that certain people in my life, keep disappointing me and my expectations of what a friendship is supposed to look like. When I see my "friends" reaching out to other friends, meanwhile I don't even get a "hey", its hurtful. And when that happens over and over again, I don't want to put myself through it anymore.
Here's to hoping that during these dark time of quarantine and social distancing, my activities for self-care thrive and I learn to love myself above anyone else.
This whole pandemic has also halted my "dating life", if you can even call it that, but that's a topic for another rant haha.
Say Safe <3
-Marie
I'm fighting through the lowest of lows in my life right now. I'm not anxious about the virus and I'm not panicking about the state of our society right now (though it is somewhat in shambles).
I've taken this quarantine as an experiment, and the results are exactly as heartbreaking as I'd expected.
I pondered many times in the last couple years, "After graduation, who will care to check up on me?"
For the last two weeks I've been pretty sick, and wasn't often at school. During that time at home, the people who reached out were counted and noted. Over the course of that week, the "outbreak" (lets say) reached the levels of quarantine which I've been in for the last 5 days. Having not seen many people in well over a week, again I counted and noted the people who reached out. That list was shockingly smaller than I'd expected...
Then again it wasn't shocking at all.
Internal Dialogue
With this whole quarantine thing I've been talking to my parents alot more about what I've been going through. And when I told my dad that I was surprised at the lack of communication I've had with friends not reaching out to check up on me while I've been the sickest I've been in my entire life, he said:
"Why are you shocked? How is this any different than normal? They never message you, they never reach out on a regular day. If they don't care about you on a regular day, why would that change"
Naively, I've continued to hold the benefit of the doubt for these people, even writing this now I'm thinking to myself "Well maybe they're just busy", but at the same time I see them socializing with other people.
I'm never someone's first thought.
It's hard to let go of people who I invested so much time into building a relationship witb. At the end of the day, it's my life, and I can't hold onto people who, maybe don't necessarily drag me down, but who don't lift me up.
It's a harsh reality to find out people you've cared about don't reciprocate. I think because this situation wasn't sparked by an argument or falling-out, it's harder to let go.
Moving On
With the way everything is panning out, I also realized that alot of the people I spent the last 4 years of University around, I may never see again. To which my dad again said:
"But you'll see them at their graduation!" (I'm graduating a semester later than my classmates to complete my credits)
As soon as he said that, my mind immediately thought "but they won't invite me to their graduation. They never think of me. They didn't think of me earlier in the semester for a previous graduation party". The fact that that's the first thing I think to myself, about my "friends" is not a sign of a good friendship. And it's time.
It's unfortunate that this situation that we're living in, is what it took for me to finally realize that these people no longer deserve a space in my life, let alone my heart. What's really sad is that they won't even realize I've disconnected myself from them, because none of them are calling or texting.
I was a friend out of convenience for them, but I won't be used anymore.
I'm in this world alone. My family are the only ones I can count on, and especially during this time to self-isolation, they have been the ones who've undoubtedly cared most about my well-being.
It's true what they say, "friendships come and go, but family is forever", I'm just sad and disappointed that that's become my life's motto at the age of 22.
Just so I'm clear, I'm not here trying to play the victim. I am sure that everyone has their own life to live, and not everyone is meant to be a beck and call everyday. I know that's not realistic. That's not what I'm saying here. I'm just disappointed that certain people in my life, keep disappointing me and my expectations of what a friendship is supposed to look like. When I see my "friends" reaching out to other friends, meanwhile I don't even get a "hey", its hurtful. And when that happens over and over again, I don't want to put myself through it anymore.
Here's to hoping that during these dark time of quarantine and social distancing, my activities for self-care thrive and I learn to love myself above anyone else.
This whole pandemic has also halted my "dating life", if you can even call it that, but that's a topic for another rant haha.
Say Safe <3
-Marie
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