Was It Even Worth it?

When financial advisers tell you to save your money, they recommend you set a specific goal because it makes it easier to want to save as the days and weeks go on.

You're constantly working towards a goal.

When you apply to University, your academic advisers assess your hobbies and what you enjoy doing to get an idea of what degree to apply for with a career goal in mind.

When you go to the grocery store, you buy foods specifically for special occasions/parties, or to make a certain meal you're looking forward to you.

You plan with a specific result in mind.

Having a goal or something to work towards makes all of these, and other daily chores, manageable and worth your time. It makes the decisions you make have a purpose.

But what am I supposed to do when the thing(s) I want most in life are out of my hands, and ultimately up to the universe to guide me towards?

I WANT TO KNOW...

I want to know the meaning. I want my routined Saturday night tears to be worth something; I want to know what my tears are fighting for. I want to know what these night terrors and this sadness are leading to... because they might lead to absolutely nothing.

What if my dreams never come true. I want to know that my weakest moments are strengthening me for something greater. My words are all I have because my actions are blinding.

I want to keep fighting; I am fighting, but for what? I am fighting against an unknown. There's no goal, only a dream. In the air, it's still a mystery. What is it? Who is it? Who am I fighting for? What am I fighting for?

I just want these tears to mean something one day... that I made it through these dark days.

I want meaning. I want a reason. While it feel as though everyone around me has a life, there seems to be nothing to mine. No depth.

Just an empty heart.

I wish I could simply fast forward to the day my dreams become a reality... to the day I don't feel so alone anymore.

One day it will all mean something, and I will leave this place.

I want meaning. I want a reason. I want something to fight for, but I can't find it... and it can't seem to find me.

I want you to understand. I want you to give me what I want. But you'll never understand; not unless you want to be my goal.

BUT HOW...

How am I supposed to keep fighting when there's no end in sight.

How do I convince myself that one day everything will finally be in my favour, and I'll be happy, if I can't visualize what that joy looks like.

I know these people around me don't have all the answers, but I feel like I'm floating through it all and they have a purpose. We're my purpose?

Just when I think this time will be different and I've changed, you pull me back into the darkness.

When will you show me that this time will be different.

I don't want to float, I want to live. But I don't know what to live for.

I don't know who to live for.

M