Needy

What constitutes being needy? Is it another word we use for "insecurities" or does it carry much less meaning?

I've contemplated with this idea for a while now, trying to figure out why my previous "relationships" have failed. Do I expect too much from the other person? Do I put them on a pedestal so high that when they do the slightest thing to derail this perfect image I have of them, I kick them to the curb? Maybe I do. Do I sometimes have an urge to text my "ex" just because I know they'll answer and I want to talk to someone in that moment? I do.

Is that right? Most of you would say no. So why do I keep doing it?

I push people away that are interested in me because I'm scared. Is that really why? Are people even interested in me? When it's convenient for me to reach out to them, I do, which leaves them with even more mixed messages than before, and leaves me feeling just as empty as before once the conversation eventually subsides as it always does. Why do I do that?

Here's Why...
In the span of 3 months, I've dipped my toe into the "dating" world more than I had in my entire life leading up to this past August. Something in me flipped, and I no longer wanted to spend weeks crushing on someone from afar, and spending all my time thinking "what if". I threw my self-doubt out the window and acted with my gut (with the help of a couple gin and tonics too). During those experiences, I was living my best life; going through the motions of feelings I'd never had before. It was exhilarating. But eventually, those moments always seemed to fizzle out. Those people eventually were no longer part of my life, and again I was left feeling empty. And I never felt satisfied with those relationships... as if it was all this build up for nothing. As if everything I'd overcome, and all the hurdles I'd crossed meant nothing because at the end of the night I was still alone.

And that's where I stand today. Sure I have the opportunities to jump back into living those experiences all over again with new people, but with my emotions scattered, knowing my history, I'm starting to seclude myself again. I wouldn't say my thoughts are trapped in my head at all... hell earlier this week I told someone how I felt about them, they (nicely) rejected me, and we moved on from it. Will that friendship continue, I'm honestly not sure, but I put myself out there. And that's more than I would've done a couple years ago.

And because of that, I know these experiences are helping me grow.


It's Confusing
I may be back in that place of self-doubt and the unknown of whether a new relationship will finally work itself out this time around, but how am I supposed to know if I don't try?

Some girls like the chase. I don't. Is it such a millennial thing to say that I think the effort should be equal...? Of coarse I want someone who want to be with me, and show it through words and actions, but at the same time, I have to reciprocate in order for it to work.. and that's where my insecurities lie.

Like I said, I've been through a couple interesting "relationships" these last couple months, and in all of them I was left feeling empty. Yes I learned something from each one of them, but nonetheless they didn't give me want I wanted. I realize now, that's because want I wanted was unreasonable. I wanted them to be the perfect person I'd imagined them to be, and when they didn't meet my expectations, I tore them down for it. That's not either parties' fault in this situation it's just an insecurity I've been grappled with for reasons I still can't explain.

Maybe it'll take that "special person" (ew I hate saying that lol) to change my perspective and allow me to see past minor flaws, or maybe it'll just be more experiences and learning that will allow me to reach that point. Either way, I am proud of continuing to push myself in every way.

Am I still needy? Probably? Is that bad? No.


Validation
I've been hurt, intentionally and unintentionally, to the point where I'm now very careful about who I let into my life. I also have a clearer view of traits and qualities in a person that I value as important, for me. The more people I meet, the more it's made clear that all men are nowhere near the same, and that's ok. I also learned how to better myself and improve my actions the more people I interact with. I'm not 100% innocent in some of these crumbling relationships, and I know that. I have to work through my own "things" just as much as I would expect someone else to to do their own "self-work" for me.

And that's what's fun about life. It's all a mystery and we have no damn way of knowing why anything happens to us. If you think about it, that's actually what makes all these hurdles, or experiences, fun to put ourselves into. We love mystery, no matter how much we deny it.


-Marie

"Sorry that I'm up and down alot. Sorry that I think I'm not enough. Sorry if I say sorry way too much. You can go ahead and call me selfish, but after all this damage I can't help it. But what you can trust, is I need your touch"