Complicated State of Mind

How is it that I have been blessed with so many wonderful things, memories and people, yet I still chase after the things that are not good to me.

I'll tell you why. It's because the universe has a sick way of trying to help us figure out the things that we truly care about, and that truly matter in our lives. Without being given the bad, we would never be able to know where the good lies.

But why must the universe have given me exactly what I'd been looking for, packaged it in a beautiful bow with fantastic wrapping paper, just to find a load of trash inside. I spent so long holding onto it, I felt a connection with it, I trusted it, without making the effort to realize what was hiding inside. Even after all that, why can't I let go of it. Why do I decide to put it far away from my life, yet close enough that maybe one day I'll go back and it will have changed? Why? Because in the time that I ignored the signs, it made me feel good.

As humans, as part of our fight or flight, or whatever the technical terms may be, we tend to forget exactly how much pain something made us feel. We reminisce on the good, and subconsciously ignore the amount of pain that thing may have also caused us.  An so we tend to put ourselves back into painful situation because we want to relive the joy we remember it made us feel.

As much as I am hurt by the actions, or lack of action, but certain people, I can only be angry at myself for ignoring the signs. Then again, I have the right to be frustrated towards the people who felt it was alright to treat me poorly, or have no remorse for doing so.

Being manipulated by someone is always a difficult situation to make sense of.

Is it their fault for treating me this way?
Or is it my fault for recognizing I was being treated poorly, yet not cutting the cord?
Is it their fault for being ignorant to the way they were acting?
Or is it my fault for being naive that maybe I was overthinking everything?

I craved the attention, and the smiles those texts would bring me during a stressful day, because I'd never experienced anything like it before.

I was too open and too honest, receiving nothing in return.

I was made to feel guilty for my values, yet I brushed it off.

But I was hopeful. I made up a picture of who they were in my mind and I kept telling myself that that was the reality, when the reality was staring right at me in those messages.

"fuck off" "I don't owe you anything" ... "don't you trust me"

We hold onto fantasies, but also hope that the best in people is the reality, when sometimes it just isn't the case. All it does it compromise our emotional well-being and make us feel small when reality finally sets in.

Fantasies cloud our State of Mind, so it's no wonder people are able to manipulate others. Tell people what they want to hear, and you're already one step closer.

It's not my fault I was manipulated.

It's not my fault I ended up hurt.

Seeing the signs, and doing something about it is much easier said than done. But recognizing your strengths and your weaknesses allows you to grow with time and experience.

Yes I have been broken, but as someone I look up to very much once said, "Just because you are broken, doesn't mean you have to stay broken". Time heals most wounds, and I know it will heal this one.

I know there are better people out there for me to meet. I know I will get my heartbroken multiple times in my quest for the good ones, but I am hopeful, and that is all I can do right now.

Listen to your heart but act with your brain. If something feels wrong, ask yourself why. And if upon investigation you realize that feeling is being caused by an external source, try to mend it, but don't hold onto it if it doesn't want to fix itself.

You are not responsible for fixing other people. If someone doesn't mesh well into your life, don't mold them to make them fit because you will end up hurting yourself in the impossible process.

Love those who show unconditional love toward you. Those are the ones who will never leave when things get tough.