Seasons

I would be lying if I said I wouldn't go back to that night we met and done things differently. I wish I wasn't so nervous around you. I wish I could've shown you how much I liked you. I wish I could've told you how much I wanted you. I wish I could tell you how much I want you. 

The things I think about, about you, I can't share with anyone.

Fuck feelings. You said you'll only give me half of you, but I want it all. I've never felt this way about anyone, so how did you move on so easily. Everyday I try to get over you, and every morning your name is the first I want to say 'good morning' to. I'm holding on to you hoping that one day you'll realized what you lost. 

And that's the problem. I still think I could've done something to save us. But you're the one that didn't want to try. I wouldn't put myself in a position to loose you, but you did. So go ahead. I know there's a million smart and pretty girls out there for you. I know because there's a million smart and handsome men like you out there too. I've met some of them. You were special, and I would've cared for you with everything I had. After every time I see you, I picture all the things I wish I could tell you, or do to you. But you're not for me to have. 

I think about how things might be different if the version of us today had tried to make it work. What's the point, there's no going back. I feel things I know you don't, and never will.

After that night you kissed my forehead and held me until the sun came up, I knew I had to move on. All or nothing. I had to choose the latter. I couldn't give you half of me. I left the city and realized there was so much more this world had to offer, I realized there were so many people in this world that would give me what I was asking for, what you didn't want to give me. 

I came back and felt so liberated. I truly felt as though I came back a different person. New perspective. I met someone new and I saw you get distant. As soon as that was over, you pulled me back in and I couldn't resist. But this time was different. It was as though there was this forcefield between us. Before, we found ourselves pushing through it, but now it felt stronger. Like no words or motions could break through the glass. You were still there, and so was I. Have the feelings changed? For you? Are we really just friends this time?

Told me you moved on, found someone new. It was so easy for you to replace me. But she's not giving you what you want either. Selfishly I'm glad. I don't know if I could handle seeing you happy, but what other choice do I have? I'm moving on too. So I am happy for you. I can't keep holding onto "what ifs" and hoping you'll come around. I'm going out looking for my "get home safe", my "good morning" texts you never gave me. When I called you and said I kissed him, did you feel anything?

After we ended things, I felt my happiest when you weren't around. Out of sight, out of mind. But I am also at my happiest when it's just the two of us laughing as friends. Am I walking away from a friend, or from heartbreak?

I know it's a matter of time before you forget about me. but God knows I'll never forget you.

My life is marked with a "before you", and an "after you". This season of "after you" has been hard. Some days I feel like I'll never be able to replace your hands around my waist. Some days I know I deserve so much better. But I won't lie, seeing your name on my phone still makes me feel like that girl in the kitchen.