9PM - July 10 2022

They really don't give you a handbook to life. That's especially clear when a decision we make turns out to come with consequences we didn't intend. Why didn't they tell us that if we did this, then that would happen?

I don't regret any decision I've made, but do I wish I could've approach the situation differently? yes. 

I like him, at least I think I do. In the span of three weeks I will have seen him twice, and only one of those times were we alone, just the two of us. I don't know where this will lead. I know it won't be easy to make it work. But what really good thing ever came easy? The best things, the things we are most proud of and make us the happiest, that we enjoy the most are the ones where we successfully put our time and effort into making great. That doesn't mean that every step should be difficult, but in a way, if it was easy, it wouldn't be as desired. 

I don't know much about him yet, but I want to. His life seems so different from mine. I want to learn from him, and I hope he feels the same for me.

Too many times, I feel I've been overlooked. People see me for face value and judge my intentions. I used to get down about it a lot until I realized that just the way the world works. People either just want to fuck you, or want to get to know you. I used to care a lot about people's intentions, when they didn't meet mine. Like "why can't you just see it from my perspective?! Why can't you just want the same thing I want?! Can't you see I am so much more than just a body?!"

Then I realized, you can't change people. People can change, but you can't change people. 

If someone doesn't want to be in my life, or they dont want me in theirs, then that's ok with me. I know I can add value to someone's life. When there is mutual respect, mutual love can grow. 

Do I want it to work out with him? of coarse. I wouldn't be entertaining the idea of adding him into my life and getting to know him if I didn't. And if one day, he decides, or I realize, this isn't the right fit, will I be sad? of coarse. But I've gone through this before and I've made it out, so I can do it again.

I don't expect things to fail, but I am secure with myself to know that I will be ok, no matter the outcome. It took getting my heart shattered multiple times to achieve this peace of mind. There's no handbook, no instructions on when or how to make these decisions on life. Put one foot in front of the other, and if you fall, you get back up and try again; you keep going.

I don't believe life really has a destination to move towards. We all have our short term or long term goals, but even when we achieve those, new goals are on the horizon. So we're constantly putting one foot in front of the others, hoping not to fail, but confident that if we do, we'll get back up and try again.

This time everything will work out.